Current mood:

contemplative

Enough
I've said a lot of things about myself in the past that are self-deprecating and misleading. About being a bad friend, about being socially awkward. It's way too easy for people to see things like that and either have a lightning quick, punch-in-the-stomach "No you're not" reflex or to just let their eyes glaze over and move on to the next webpage without a thought. I won't lie, I really do feel that way-- all the time. But like I said, it's misleading. It's misleading to me, and it's misleading to others.

First of all, I'm leading myself to believe that others have the expectations of me that I have of myself. And... you know what? I don't think there needs to be a second point. Forget the second point, it's going to be conjecture anyhow. The first point is important enough.

It's not a big surprise that I'm really good at being alone. I find things that I enjoy doing myself, I have fun all alone in my apartment, I don't need to be constantly surrounded by people to feel secure-- and I'm super proud of that. It's a nice skill to have. It doesn't mean I don't get lonely, but it also means that I'm not suicidal. But the only reason I'm good at that is because I've had to learn how. I wasn't born with that.

In fact, I was depressed a lot when I was younger-- even up through college. When I say I'm socially awkward, I mean that I have a skewed view of social interactions. I don't know where I learned this, but in my head I believe that if someone wants to be associated with me, they'll approach me. If they don't, then they don't want anything to do with me and I should leave them alone, or else I'll annoy them and they'll hate me. I have this guilt complex where everything I do is wrong and if I want people to like me, I should just be quiet and let them guide our relationships. Wait... I was raised Catholic. That may have something to do with it.

But I don't know anyone else who operates this way. You have no idea how much I struggle against what my mind naturally tells me about my relationships with others. These voices that tell me people don't like me, they don't want anything to do with me, that I just do things wrong and don't deserve their friendship anyhow. So naturally, when I hang back quietly and don't initiate interactions with people, they don't think twice and therefore never get to know me. Except for the ones who are somehow drawn to people like me, or else those who catch me in a rare moment of normalcy. I fear for the former, and the latter are proof of good luck.

I'm not saying that this is a rule, but the ones who are attracted to people who are quiet and non-assertive tend to be people who are not good for me. They're looking for mystery or else someone to walk all over. I am neither, and if you get to know me you find that out. I tend to leave my life an open book, and while I may be easygoing about trivial details I don't take kindly to people who use or abuse me.

In certain ways, I have not been very happy lately. When I'm not trying to distract myself from health problems, I think about the people that have been and are in my life. I have a lot of regrets about who I was when I was younger. I didn't give a lot of people a fair chance, either because of my fucked up conception of how people interact or because I was so cynical and unhappy that I just put blinders on and didn't want to bother because I figured they would fuck me over anyhow. I only dreamt of the day I could get far away from everyone I had ever known and start over. Secretly I yearned for the complete opposite.

I paid much more attention to everyone than anyone else probably did, and definitely more than anyone might have suspected. There are people from my past that I'd almost like to yell at for being such jerks to me, until I realize that they were just stupid kids like I was, and that there's no point in doing so. There are others that I think I'd really like to say something nice to, people that I remember doing something nice for me, or people who I really enjoyed interacting with, or people that I just wished I could interact with more, or people that I envied and looked up to. Saying nice things, that's much more worthwhile.

It's so much more satisfying to say something unexpected and pleasant, something kinda weird and surprising to shake someone out of their comfortable life a little. It's fun. Something to laugh about, you know? And oh, I had so many crushes on boys all those years. I could spend an entire day writing letters out to all the boys I adored. Yikes.

All of that makes me think about my present, and how I don't take advantage of the people that are still in my life, just tapping them on the shoulder to say something random. Or even being normal and just asking how they are if I haven't talked to them in a while. It's pathetic. How much have I really learned if I can't change for the better? I'm just slipping right back into old habits because they're so much easier and comfortable.

Still, just because I regret some things from the past doesn't mean I really want to change it. I can't imagine things being different, and there are too many things I wouldn't want to be different. Even if I haven't been happy about many of my friendships lately, it doesn't mean I'm not happy. I have problems but I have more than a few reasons to be happy too. I just need to finally move past my hang-ups and accept that I *have* moved way past who I used to be. Now I can start acting like it.